Search - Moscow Zero on DVD

This film gave me a seziure!!!!!!!!!!!!!

VileSpyGuy | The O NE | 01/16/2009

(1 out of 5 stars)

"In my 36 years of life I never would have believed that I would actually view a movie that would top the absurdity of "Starship Troopers 2"; however, once in a four year cycle a film will come along that will throw me into a petite mal seizure and have me at my keyboard 20 minutes later wiping dried vomit from my mouth and brushing Cheeto crumbs off my face and shirt. Congratulations Moscow Zero you are now number 1 in the category of "most incoherent and random direct to video production EVER".



Disclaimer: I have no issues with direct to video productions or low quality sci-fi vids; sometimes an entertaining gem will rear its head and will find its way to my DVD collection, but not this monstrosity. I will break this review down in segments for your reading pleasure.



First the cover: Obviously the budget of the film was liberally sprinkled on the packaging of this vid. What do we have on the front: Val Kilmer and some dude in priest garb. I have no issues with having a couple of cast members on the cover except Val was in the movie for maybe like 6.2 minutes; plus rocking the priest next to Kilmer was similar to that "green leafy plant thing" restaurants set next to a T-bone steak for garnish...... Why? Who the hell is this "priest"? Why is he looking constipated on my DVD cover? Next we have some promising end of the world Moscow visuals, I have no issues with these visuals, so I'm pretty neutral, lets move on.



The cast: This is the only bright shiny side to the movie. These are some solid actors and with the right script (anyone but this one) and the right director (anyone but this one) we might have come up with a solid 3 to 3.5 star movie. I will say that Oksana Akinshina is one beautiful woman and during my struggle to survive, make it through the movie and be able to at least walk in a straight line and eventually (hopefully) hold a ball in one hand, peeping at her blue eyes are what helped me weather the storm.



The plot (or lack of one): I'll try and bottom line it for you.



A researcher in Moscow goes missing, in some "secret" underground tunnels. Tons of narrative from said researcher while he walks around, sleeps, talks to himself about how smart he is and is being generally annoying while lost "of course". I think the director was shooting for a cyber punk/ poltergeist/ Indiana Jones feel. We then have one of the many "ghostly" visuals of little children running around the tunnels giving off the "wasn't talented enough to make it into the Ring 3 movie" vibe(how is this scary?). We learn a short while later that the gates of hell have opened and we are supposed to feel a sense of dread (rather I was feeling a sense of fatigue and a vague absent feeling in my right arm and may have even wet myself, but that could have been after passed out).



The movie is the same tired story: Eccentric hero assembles a crew of "red shirts" and heads down to a supposedly bad place where they hook up with a lippy hottie, have the lame "has been star" cameo (justifies the DVD cover), then the crew rolls deeper into apparently worse territory where 50% of the crew die because of there own stupidity then we have some supposedly "clever" explanation of what "hell" is and an even a more "clever" (stupid) and obscure ending. Then blood starts running from my nose and I wake up on the floor face down in a pile of Cheetos.



This movie should have been called: Give 80% of the movie budget to Val Kilmer for a 6 minute cameo and divide remainder of budget = $100 with the director, cast, crew and misc. expenses.



The result: Save your money, but if you're still not convinced, instead take a $20 bill out of your wallet and light it on fire; it's the closet emotional response you'll get without actually seeing this monstrosity

"

Just boring, no back story.

Anja Rebekka Schultze | Norway | 04/13/2009

(1 out of 5 stars)

"There are no introduction at all in this movie, the movie maker believed it best just to jump straight to the action. I found myself rewinding as I believed my DVD had skipped or something, leaving some introduction out, all you see is a priest organizing a search for someone in the dark under gourds of Moscow, there are no explanation as to how or why, oh yes and there are some legends of demons.



Now done differently the movie might have been good. Basically you had a group of children which was hidden in some underground catacombs by a order of nuns, the nuns told the children that outside adults where demons and so the children stayed down there until they adapted and became a sort of creature of the dark them self, so people living in the tunnels think the children are demons, while the children, and it is not really clear if the original children are still children 90 years later or if they have grown up had children and so on and it is their descendants in the movie, think the adults are demons and they hunt these demons, kill them and eat them. And basically that is all there is in the movie, a group of people running around in the tunnels with no explanation for why and a much of mutated, cannibalistic kids trying to protect them self from demons.



Like I said, the concept could have been fun, but they way it are done with no back story, no explanation and little or no plot, and not even any scare effects to carry the movie over, it turns out to be one long yawn. Unless you are a horror movie fanatic and just need to see every horror movie there is out there, then stay away from this one. This movie is bad, and I do not mean bad in a good way as with much B horror. I mean bad as in boring."