Search - Grindhouse Double Shock Show: Galaxy Invader (1985) / Kong Island (1968) on DVD

Would You Believe That Sleestak And Robot Gorillas Could Act

Robert I. Hedges | 04/24/2009

(2 out of 5 stars)

""The Galaxy Invader" and "Kong Island" are two terrible science fiction movies now available in one inexpensive package.



"The Galaxy Invader" should never be watched by anyone, ever: it is unfit for human consumption. My advice to you is this: run away as fast as you can. I am a very devoted fan of extremely bad films, but this film treads in an area rarely seen: the movie so bad that it is excruciating.



I have no idea who thought this was a good idea, and I have even less of an idea about who thought these people could act (the commentary claims that director Don Dohler needed a quick movie to fill out a multi-picture deal). The film starts with the typical 1980s synthesizer-laden credit sequence reminiscent of "Space Mutiny" though with less craft and panache. The plot is vaguely like "Pod People" only not as intelligent or coherent. Speaking of "Pod People," astute viewers may note that the credit sequence from "Pod People" is taken directly from "The Galaxy Invader." (I have no idea why.) The premise of the film is that a spaceship lands on earth near Harleyville (really) and a lone green occupant wanders around the countryside for a while alternately getting captured by and escaping from the stupidest rednecks in history. In the entire cast there is not a single person who can act, but at least the characters make up for their thespian ineptitude by being thoroughly disagreeable and wholly detestable.



The alien (or as the idiots term him "the green man") has a glowing ball device that somehow powers a hairdryer-like taser weapon that the rednecks want. During all this there is back story about a drunken father and his relationship with his family as well as a geeky student and a professor ("Dr. Tracy") who not only has the ugliest clothes you have ever seen, and not only drives the most ridiculous car you have ever seen, but is without any question the very worst actor you have ever seen.



Please pay particular attention to the sophisticated plan for capturing the green man put forth by the redneck posse. (Hint: it involves a lasso made of clothesline cord.) After they catch the green guy, they put him in a garage. An actual garage. What I'm saying here is that much of this movie was actually made in someone's garage. Eventually Dr. Tracy and his young cohort free the green man in one of the least ingenious plans ever and a chase ensues. The tide turns when a girl with Leif Garrett hair brings the ball and hairdryer to the alien and there is gunplay in the woods. Please also note the hand-to-hand tussle in the woods, which features the very worst fight choreography ever. The conclusion is not to be missed, as the alien guy sustains some heavy injuries (we think he's dead but can't be sure as this has happened about four or five other times), while the chief redneck gets done in by a cunning plan involving his skull, a rifle stock, and a mountain. This action culminates in the most fake looking dummy in history being tossed over a cliff during the "redneck plunge of death" sequence.



This movie is relentless. It is not only painful, but boring. It really and truly is in a class of films that are reserved exclusively for battle-hardened veterans of other truly pathetic films. Any movie that makes "Chickboxer" look good has got to be bad, and I would rather watch "Chickboxer" one hundred times followed by the entire Coleman Francis catalog than ever sit through "The Galaxy Invader" again. It's that bad.



Amazingly, this package actually has a unique extra: a commentary track for "The Galaxy Invader" featuring most of the stars of the film. Unfortunately director Dohler has passed away, so we are unable to get his thoughts on the film, but the remaining commentators are fairly enlightening about the entire sorry affair, and even explain the bizarre car.



"Kong Island," on the other hand, is an insane picture about robot gorillas, kidnappings, and more pointless double-crosses than would ever be necessary even in a good movie. Every single word of the title of this film is perfectly accurate with the exceptions of "Kong" and "Island." "Kong Island" is, in fact, quite a blundering misnomer. There are normal size zombie-gorillas with brain implants, but no Kong, and as far as I can tell no island either, as it takes place in Africa.



The plot is utterly wretched, and generally revolves around a mad scientist and his plans for world domination via the medium of zombie gorillas (no prizes for guessing how he dies), versus a musclebound bore of an actor who is helping search for "The Sacred Monkey" while on a personal vendetta. I am not going to reveal the amazing secret of the Sacred Monkey, but will say that it made me groan audibly when we got to that part of the film. The movie is ninety percent padding, nine percent stock footage, one percent robot gorillas, and features painfully long treks through the woods to the mood music of a Percy Faith wannabe. Truly the padding is epic: not only are there long walks in the woods, but there are long and truly revolting scenes in a dance club.



The film has about 5.3 gazillion subplots going on at any given time, and as amazing as that sounds, none of them are interesting, and few of them actually lead anywhere. At no time do they lead within striking distance of a coherent storyline. "Kong Island" isn't the worst thing I have ever seen, and it does have some genuinely funny moments in the camp tradition, but as a whole it has little redeeming value.



You have been warned."