Cross Bones DVD with Hardy Hill, Kessie Camacho (R) +Movie Reviews +Used DVD available for Swap

NOT SO JOLLY ROGER

Michael Butts | Martinsburg, WV USA | 10/13/2005

(1 out of 5 stars)

"CROSSBONES is an incredibly bad film that spends most of its time focusing on the bikini clad women and the profane behavior of some minor league rap star (J-Shin?). At any rate, Joe Marino plays bloody pirate RedBeard, who is murdered by a bunch of natives in the beginning of the film, and placed under a blood curse. A group of incredibly bad actors take over as members of a "Survivor" type tv show that looks about as exciting as spin the bottle. Any attempt at plot coherence is shortshifted in the movie's attempts to parody reality shows, but there is no suspense or horror and Marino is especially bad as the vengeful pirate. Truly another example of the degeneration of the horror genre. No wonder they keep remaking classics like THE FOG or HOUSE OF WAX!"

Terrible from beginning to end.

H. A Huffman | Mt. Prospect, IL USA | 09/22/2005

(1 out of 5 stars)

""Crossbones" is worse than "Dracula 3000".. That's correct, this masterpiece is worse than the worst film made in the last 15 years. That is quite an accomplishment.

This mess starts off with the long, boring story detailing the origin of the villain of this film; the short guy with the dirty beard who runs around with a knife. He is supposed to be some evil, immortal pirate who kills anybody who:

a. is in his field of vision, especially if you are wearing a skimpy bikini (I've never really found hoochies cut up and covered in their own blood attractive - obviously the director has this fetish)

b. tries to steal his treasure (all pirates have treasures to guard - Arrrgh!)

c. tries to prevent him from recovering his treasure (he lost it when he was imprisoned many years ago, before he became immortal. Arrrgh!)

The victims are a group of idiots who are participating in a "Survivor"-type show. They all decide to frolic on this short killer's island.

What really shocked me about this poorly filmed, cheap D-grade movie was the incredibly racist portrayal of one of the pirate's victims - a rap star of course. All this guy needed was a Watermellon and a bucket of chicken. It was much worse than Coolio's "performance" in Dracula 3000.

Skip this one at all costs."

This movie sucks!!!!!!!

J. McInnis | Hattiesburg, Ms USA | 11/25/2005

(1 out of 5 stars)

"It should be a law against making movies this bad. First the whole plot was completely stupid and the actors should be shot for such a poor performance. Come on I know that it was a low budget movie but just how low can you get! Please do not buy,rent or even look in the direction of this movie if you know whats good for you. Its not worth your time!!!!"

Aarrgghh!

Stanley O. Hamby | Decatur, AL USA | 11/06/2005

(1 out of 5 stars)

"Aarrgghh!

The jacket of "Cross Bones" depicts a promising panoramic scene of nautical siege involving a full-masted pirate ship beneath an impressive turbaned skull with eye patch. This scene unaccountably does not appear in the movie. What is offered are a few boring minutes of half-hearted swashbuckling amongst the pirate mateys aboard a remarkably spic-and-span "pirate ship" -- a suspiciously anachronistic trawler bearing no gun ports and possessing limited deck area for swashbuckling. Red Bones, the fearsome pirate chief, grimaces through his moderate vocabulary as if motivated by heart-burn, throwing in an occasional "Aarrgghh!" -- presumably for the pirate effect, or possibly just belching. In his cannibalistic reincarnation (terrifying curse), Bones achieves new heights, raising his performance level to that of having a bowel movement. When the "incredible treasure" is finally unearthed, the delusion is scuttled by a spectacle of garage-sale items. The plot -- movies should have plots -- concerns the filming of a reality show in which the participants spend most of their time spouting senseless bilgewater that leaves one praying for the violent death of the script writer. The only recent movie that degenerates to a category of comparable depths is Asylum Pictures' "War of the Worlds" (actually, any Asylum Pictures production would suffice) in which the film jacket promises entertainment and delivers indigestion. Rating of one star indicates one star too many.

"

THE PROS AND CONS OF CROSS BONES:

Jill Dunsmore | 01/02/2008

(1 out of 5 stars)

"CONS:

1. The script was atrocious.

2. Too much of a home-movie, too little of a movie-movie.

3. There was about ten minutes of pointless reality show interviews!

4. The acting was beyond atrocious.

5. It took too long to get to anything remotely "good."

6. The plot was poorly played out.

7. Since when does the bloodstream contain paint and cranberry juice?

8. We never see the dead bodies, which proves how low-budget this rubbish is!

9. The camera work at points is very shaky.

10.There are plot skips that just make this movie more confusing.

11.What the hell?? When did zombies come into play??

12.Steals from the classic "Deliverance."

13.How do immobile cameras move?

14.The plot was so poorly played out it was almost unbearable to watch.

15.The opening scene was WAAAAAAAY too long and WAAAAAAY too boring!

PROS:

1. The movie ended.

Get the picture?"

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